Hello, people! Every end of the year, I think about my resolutions for the following year. Most times, by February or March, I'd be so lost with the pace of the everything that there is a good chance I'd forget what I had set out and by June I'd have completely forgotten that "resolutions" even exist in my vocabulary!

I remember that at the end of 2015, I felt really terrified and afraid of what 2016 would bring. The reason being, I had a very emotional and rough 2015. During that time, I really missed home and I was on the verge of giving everything up to go home and just feel safe with my family.

This was followed by my diagnosis of severe depression and anxiety on 1st of February 2016! The reason I remember the date so vividly was because my mother had flown from Malaysia and missed Chinese New Year to be with me in the hospital. Chinese New Year was on 1st of February in 2016. My mum brought my favourite Chinese New Year cookies: pineapple tarts.

I started 2017 like a baby learning to walk. I was very shaky on my feet as I was still struggling with depression and anxiety. With every step I took, I gained confidence and I am happy to say that I have recently learned to skip as I walk. This means, I've shown progress and have been stable on my antidepressants long enough that I was ready to have them reduced.

At the same time, my therapist was happy to let go of my hand and allow me to venture the world on my own. I've completed two years of therapy and am ready to live this world with the skills and awareness I've learned.

With everything that's happened, I feel it's very important for me to reflect on the past year (or more) so that I am aware of triggers, assess the reactions I've had and shown appreciation for the tough moments I survived. Therefore, below will be my proud list of achievements accompanied by a thankful list and the things I want vs need that would guide me towards 2018!

I hope that this would inspire you to reflect on your past year and hopefully help you shape a 2018 full of joy, happiness, good health and positivity.

2017 Achievements

• restarted my PhD after a year long break for mental health
• completed ONE YEAR of my PhD (I thought I wouldn't be able to due to health reasons)
• learned a lot about myself from 2 years of therapy. Completed therapy in good health.
• been stable (no depressive episodes or hypomania) for 1 year on mood stabilizers. Psychiatrist agrees to reduce dosage of medication.
• in April, I got to know of the Raspberry Pi community and met a lot of great people since and more!
• in June, I found the confidence to move out and live on my own. Best decision that made my lifestyle better.
• met someone I like without using a dating app. So happy that we met through a common interest.
• received support morally and financially to continue my enjoyment in teaching/showing more children they can do so much and more.
• managed to balance my time between work and play by setting and following strict boundaries while understanding and listening to my needs.
• realising that human interaction is a need. Inefficient but necessary. The most memorable and important events are shaped around the environment I am in, which is influenced by the people around me.
• I feel like I belong.
• helping others with their mental health and talking openly about it.

2017 Thankful List

Wishing you and your loved ones a splendid 2018!

On my way home from spending all my monies today, I had an idea that would require some sort of programming skill.

The way I have self-taught certain programming languages such as HTML, CSS, python (basic!) is through searching for elements that I have in mind. For example, I learnt how to design webpages by taking apart HTML codes and reconfiguring every element until I am fully satisfied.

Funnily, (I just realised as I am writing this) this is similar to tissue engineering which involves taking apart an organ till its exoskeleton/scaffold is left and then seed it with patient's cells!

Well, this is how I have grown with HTML since I was a young skinny teenager.

I am trying to learn python and C using the same methods but these languages are definitely harder than I had anticipated. I've attended a full week intensive course provided by my university but only learnt the very basics in terms of data processing for scientific research.

So, I am back to googling exactly my idea and looking for an exoskeleton to hack.

Sadly, it is difficult. Often, I don't even know the correct terminology so searching is already a challenge on its own. Deciphering the language is another challenge. Times like this I wish I worked in a company where if I needed to bring an idea to life with programming, I could just poke a neighbour.

"Hey, buddy! Froyo is on me. Help me out with this."

Electronics and hardware require learning from the basics too. (I'll admit I shamefully googled "which pin on circuit playground for LEDs" - FYI, google took me to the adafruit page on Circuit Playground 101 where I had to learn about PWM)

Well, looks like I have way too many books to read (on top of my research papers)!

Okay, time for some dark chocolate to calm me down before bed. Toodles!

I don't know why I never thought of creating a webpage for @konichiwakitty! I have been prompted to do so simply because I've had several people ask me for a portfolio of my wearable fashion tech projects.

I still think Twitter is the best place to share due to the ease of uploading any videos or pics of my current project and also to get immediate response/feedback!

From now onwards, this page will be the perfect platform to have all my projects ready to view!

Hello! Today I'm going to talk about a little art project I finished last night - I'm super excited!

Edding porcelain brushpens in 3 different shades. I purchased the white mugs from Poundworld - they are dishwasher and microwave friendly ;)

Yes, I obsessively glued myself to the project for 3 hours and completely forgot about dinner. My therapist would highly disapprove (I can imagine the old turkish lady wagging her finger and shaking her head at me).

I received 3 sets of the new Edding 4200 Porcelain Brushpens and had so much fun drawing on ceramic mugs. Evidence below:

Total of 18 pens from 3 different shades. There were some repeats in colour.

It's difficult to find the right type of paint for yellow as the pigment rarely stays opaque on non-porous surfaces. I was super happy that the edding porcelain markers allow layering.

Once the first layer that you've drawn on dries, simply draw on another layer and this increases the pigment of the colour, making it more opaque!

As you can see (ignore the reflection!) the yellow pigment comes out really dark on both the letters and Pacman.

A Pacman-inspired mug. I added a few twists like eyebrows and a bow!

Eeep! Someone's gonna get eaten!

When using two colours side by side, always draw the lighter colour first followed by the darker colour. Should you wish to overlap the lighter colour over the dark, simply apply pressure to the brush and sweep the layer of darker pigment. This essentially scrapes the darker shade.

Everybody loves rainbows! The Pacman crosses under the mug handle. Whee

Done! All good to go into the oven.

If your brush is getting stained by another colour, simply scribble onto a piece of paper until you see the original colour remaining.

To clean any mistakes, I used antiseptic wipes from Boots. These wipes should be easy to find in any drugstore. The reason I used antiseptic wipes is because it contains alcohol which easily cleans permanent markers. Make up removing wipes may have the same effect though I've not tried it!

After carefully drawing, I allowed the ink to dry and drew on top of the first layer. Allowed it to dry again for about 15 minutes, and then popped it into the oven at 160 degrees for 25 minutes. I left the mug to cool overnight in the oven.

It's hot in here! But not too hot, only 160 degrees!

If any of the ink comes in contact with your skin, it washes off incredibly easy with just some hand soap and water. No scrubbing necessary.

I will be posting this mug as a gift and have requested that the mug be used for non-consuming purposes as I have applied ink to areas where normal usage of a mug would mean contact with the mouth - just to be safe!



To test out its dishwashing ability, I will be drawing on another mug which I will use for hot drinks. Stay tuned!


Stay colourful,
Rachel W.

Every year I look forward to this amazing week in April. It certainly isn't because it's the best week in Spring (the temperature fell rock bottom from a fine 20 degrees to a 3 on Monday!)

it's the best week for all stationery lovers!

Monday: Pen & pencil day #penandpencilday

Tuesday: Get crafty #getcrafty

Wednesday: World Stationery day #worldstationeryday

Thursday: Thank you Thursday #thankyouthursday

Friday: Fountain pen Friday #fountainpenfriday

Saturday: Signature Saturday #signaturesaturday

Sunday: Write a letter day #writealetterday

This crown is made of various seashells, pearl cabochons, paper flowers and diamantes. I was most thankful for being able to share my artwork when one the people who purchased my crown told me that she was going to wear it to her wedding!

Oh my. What a greeting! Hot stuff? *blushes*

There were 166 companies and 300 brand names. This year has been the biggest and busiest Stationery Show yet.

There is so much we can do when armed with just some glue and bits of paper!

Throughout the show, I let people guess what my favourite colour was. Everyone did pretty well, I must say I'm impressed. (I was all dressed in pink)

An inflatable pretzel. Everyone needs a pretzel.

For that BFF who is the sh*t and knows it.

Kaweco fountain pens and mechanical pencils *drools*

Washi tape that allows you to colour in. I know. Mindblown.

Mechanical pencils that are supplied by Serve. These come in at least 8 colours and can be found at WHSmith

Products by Vibe Squad

I haven't blogged in exactly 30 days and the reason is because I've attracted a lot of attention to my twitter and I know it can be difficult or uncomfortable for general public to read honest remarks about mental illnesses. Therefore, I've shied away even though I know that there are people who visit my blog looking for a word or two to relate to during hard times.

Making the decision to blog about mental health this evening was a battle in my head between what people want to read vs my honest thoughts. Every post I write triggers my anxiety - Am I being too honest? What would people think of me? etc.

Through all that anxiety, the society needs honesty. The society needs openness and depth. Superficiality is overrated.

--

So,  just like everyone else, I caved in and started '13 Reasons Why' about a week ago and I finished it this evening. Unlike many of you, I found the show to be rather triggering. Of course, with every tv drama, parts were clearly dramatised to increase spectator views but I felt that many of scenes rang true.

'13 Reasons Why' is a Netflix series of a teenage girl who took her life and the 13 reasons that led up to it. A scene in the show (where the counselor failed to listen to her cries) made me realise I had forgotten to do something important, which I should have done ages ago.

It made me realise that I need to take a step and correct the treatment that I was provided a year ago. I don't blame anyone in particular, nor do I feel that I'm angry over the things that happened in the past, but I do have a better understanding on the steps that I can take to prevent others and myself to getting even that close to disfigured thoughts.

It didn't occur to me what a huge impact a medical personnel can have on turning someone's life around. A year ago, I sought help from my GP at my university's clinic. I tried to tell her how awful I felt through my tears. She said, because I've not made an appointment, she can only spend 5 minutes of her time to see me and that it would be best if I made an appointment for next time so we can discuss options (her next availability was weeks away). She also suggested that I register for the university's psychological services.

Let me tell you what the medical personnel should have done. She should not have allowed me to leave. She should have given me immediate help and more importantly, she should have listened.

Please bear in mind that I couldn't think rationally at this point. I was feeling very distraught and confused - not knowing what I had to do or what were my rights.

(A week after, I was hospitalized for severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.)

So, this evening I've filed a complain for the treatment I received a year ago. I hope that the entire surgery would receive thorough training to recognize signs and symptoms to help other students.

--

Suicide.

Nobody talks about it - until it happens and suddenly everyone is encouraging the need to be more open about it. My question is, "Why?" Why does it take such a huge impact to get people out of their shells about suicide?

Yes, I said it. Suicide.

Mental illness. Mental Health. Depression. Sickness.

All these words are just so scary that everyone avoids using those terms, and avoid the people who are trying to reach out for help by talking about all the aforementioned words.

'13 Reasons Why' also made me realise that people would rather think "positively" or rather imagine a "best case scenario". They say things like "everyone goes through crap" or "they're just being overdramatic" or "they just want attention". Truth is, when we're in an uncomfortable situation, we would prefer to brush it off as something small or even make a joke about it. No one likes gloom and doom. It's just awkward I guess.

Well, my honest thoughts say that it shouldn't cost a life to be more to any living being. More attentive, more kind, more gentle, more giving, just more.

When you're at your lowest, your thoughts can cloud your judgement. It may seem like the world doesn't care and that you are incredibly lonely. This is known as catastrophizing - your brain is wired to think negatively so that your body is prepared for defense (i.e. fight or flight). Take a deep breath and try with every ounce left to find beauty around you. A tiny cloud in the sky, a lonely flower in the bush, a kind word, or a tiny person in the tree.

Sincerely,
Rachel W.

I made a deal with myself a couple of months ago. I said that I would always make time for the things that I enjoy. This includes blogging, reading, and using my creativity. Today, I wish I could say I managed my time and energy well enough to balance between my work, study and recreation.

I have fallen behind once again and I am running to catch up with the mountainous workload. I've worked two weekends in a row now, that every other time I'm not working, I am just exhausted and frustrated.

So, I am going to set things straight and be honest with myself and the people around me. The work that I am getting is just way too much and I need more time. More time to recuperate, more time on weekends to be able to enjoy myself, and a strict boundary for when working hours are over, I'm no longer thinking about work OR CHECKING MY EMAILS.

I've got a presentation on Monday and I'm telling myself that I will do it on Monday. I do not want to spend another weekend worrying and stressing about work. When a deadline for Monday is dropped on you on a Friday, you have the right to question work ethics!

I want to spend my time on weekends loving the world and everything around me. If I'm going to spend days and days trapped with work, I'm not going to be very productive or a happy worker. I understand that it's difficult when your job is important and people have expectations of you. I used to sing about how I'll be able to manage the work life well as long as I keep doing the things I love but really, when you're so stressed about the huge workload, you can't even do anything else but stress about what is coming and what needs to be done.

I sympathise. This is a real struggle - Do we work hard now and hopefully be able to live it up later? Or you can choose to whistle while you work. The former didn't work for me. I'm enjoying life now, and I'm not spending another second missing out. Neither should you. Set your boundaries and respect them.

You, me and everyone needs respect boundaries. Don't push them just "this once". They were set at a moment where you had carefully considered them to be helpful for your wellbeing. Not even you should disrespect them. Choose to be good to yourself. It requires conscious effort.

I was being boring and a perfectionist - stressing over studying before attending a course which I would be thought basics about just because I wanted to be ahead and also worried that I knew absolutely nothing (again this was a beginner's course). I'm thankful that I had someone to bring my ass back down to earth by pouring a box of these on my head.

Beaten & tired,
Rachel W.

When you have a public blog that is accessible to everyone and anyone, there's always this pullback in my head between how honest I should be against how much do I relate to other human beings.

How often do you allow your creative side to take you on an unexpected journey?

The past year, I used my time away from work to let my creativity roam. Initially, I felt so lost and confused when I was given time off work. I just didn't know what to do with myself or knew myself enough to know what my hobbies are anymore. I remember loving books. I loved reading when I was child, but it has been ages since I've had the time (rather made the time) to read a decent book or article that did not revolve around my career.

So, I started off my year long hiatus with reading. I had plenty of time and I spent it at bookshops or on Amazon. I ended up reading a lot of books on mindfulness and meditation. In fact, I diligently read so much about anxiety and depression that I felt I could write a review with excellent references (coincidentally, my depression came during the time when books on mental health and mindfulness was a fad). In a couple of months, I had read more than 10 recreational books. This was more than any amount of books I had touched in years.

It was a great sense of accomplishment. Until I realised, yet again I made this into a silly competition on achieving. I turned this recreational activity into a 'How can I use this to succeed?". Yes, it did occur to me to use this time to write a memoir on my time spent with the black dog. After all, books on self-improvement were flying off shelves at the time!

Anyway, this meant I had to move on to the next "relaxing" activity.

I went on to learn about paper crafting and card-making. I bought a Cuttlebug. I told myself I needed it so I can do fancy die cuts and embossing - taking my paper crafts to another level. It was a lot of fun. I had a solid couple of months just making beautiful paper crafts to put into my Kikki K planner. Though after a while, I couldn't keep up with all the paper accumulating and I just didn't know what to do with them! What do people do with the crafts that they've made?

So, I moved on yet again to another activity. I started making my own hair accessories; hair bows, brooches, headbands, crowns. I loved it. Jewellery making could definitely be my IT thing. Though I still didn't know what to do with all my end products. This is when I started opening my Etsy shop and decided to learn a bit about running my own business.

Because I work full time as PhD student, I figured that this is the best way to motivate or remind me to keep my creative juices going by having this shop. With this shop, I've got no pressure of earning from it, and I also get to share my creative work with people who like or choose to purchase my products.

Finding the right creative activity is in so many ways beneficial to one's mental health. I cannot emphasise this enough! Personally, I always feel more rejuvenated after creating something despite the hours or energy it took me. It makes me feel ready to take on the realistic side of things. Whenever someone tells me that they're not feeling great, I say, "Why not do something you love?".

When we talk about creativity, I'm sure lots of people think that they've tried their hand at this or that and you never really stuck around. I say, "Be mindful while being creative". This means that we allow ourselves to fully immerse in the activity that we're doing. No other distractions, or wandering thoughts about work. Just one activity, one mindset. Learn to switch that working mind off after working hours! I'm sure we're all guilty of letting work take on more hours of our lives than it needs to!

Often, we feel obliged to do certain activities just because we think we should. When enjoyable activities become things that we should do, it adds pressure and really takes away the joy of doing it. Without much consideration, we also put a lot of pressure on how the things we do should make us feel. For example, we expect music or TV shows to lift our mood. When it doesn't, the expectation just makes us feel more deprived of what we need.

This is why we need to be carefully mindful. I insist on being careful because special attention needs to given towards what we're focusing on. Being mindful doesn't mean you harshly shut down everything else. Rather, we focus on the current thing. We give it careful and kind attention. We don't question, we observe. When we don't feel one way, we don't ask, "Why?", instead we recognise what we're feeling and be okay with that. We accept, we observe, and we let the feeling pass.

No pressure, and no obligations to feel a certain way. This is how we learn to sit with ourselves, and eventually accept that we feel everything all at once and none at all because we're only human.

One of the greatest feelings I get with doing what I want is doing it at my own leisure. I feel free! No obligations, no where to be, no time limits, no one I need to see, I can be in sweats all day, whenever I want to take a break, I just do. If I feel that I would like to suddenly break into song, I am free to do it! The experience of being free is so monumental to our soul. In that moment, it's all about you. Absolutely nothing about what goes on outside those doors. You can take up all the space!

Just. truly. you.

Now that I am back at work, I intentionally make time to do something creative at least once a week. I let my mind pick an activity, I shop for materials and get excited about it - a great way to look forward to time after work or on a weekend!

This is one of my Mermaid Crowns that I've made and is currently on sale on my Etsy. It took me hours to carefully select and place each pearl and crystal. Though tiring, every minute was worth it and the result was satisfying.

Cheerfully,
Rachel W.

It has been exactly a week from the first day I went back to work.

Today, despite not completing a full day of 9 to 5, I am absolutely wrecked. I had MATLAB classes from 1 to 5, attended group therapy from 6 to 730 and finally dinner with a friend till 10. If you didn't already know, you could be sat in a chair all day but have a 100% focus on a brain-taxing task for 2 hours, and I assure you, you will be wrecked to the floor! Today, that is me. I am total wreckage.

I haven't attended group therapy in a long while (perhaps for 6 months). At group therapies, we take turns to talk about our problems at the start of the session. This is known as "Checking in". It's exactly like the Facebook home page, 'What's on your mind?'

It's funny how our day-to-day conversations have moved on from 'conversations' to 'web chats' and posting statuses addressed vaguely to anyone who is out there on your "friends" list. Deep down in our core, we need deeper connections. We need someone to ask us what's on our mind, so that we can communicate and more importantly, connect. When we write our thoughts as an online status, we end up doubting and questioning ourselves. More than often, when I post something online, I think who is going to be looking at it, and do people really care?

I want someone to ask me. To approach and genuinely show me that they want to know. Then on, I can comfortably be assured that the person I telling my story to isn't judging me silently from afar and I'm not exposing myself to the world. I am simply building a connection and a level of trust with this person. These are crucial human needs that separates us from every other living being.

Just like every person posting about Trump at this time of the year, my patience has thinned out to repetitive issues that pop up during group therapy. Group therapy can feel repetitive after you've attended a certain amount of therapy sessions with a group of 6 or more people (whom the people in the group often switch). It is helpful because it brings us to realise that we're all basically the same, but it is repetitive because we are all essentially the same.

We have the same relationship problems, self-esteem issues, confusion between where you are now and where you want to be. We undergo the same problems even at different ages. We all fear something. And the best way to learn is to help each other through methods that have worked. The answer to every problem is a formula. It is theoretical and it is almost always structured the same way. The most difficult part in applying a practical approach is that our emotional portion gets the better of us.

Everyone thinks they know better. The truth is, ideally we should learn from the mistakes of others. Now, the quote 'learning from others' must've stemmed from somewhere because people make the same mistakes! This is why we've all come down to this very point again - it is important to talk to one another about our problems.

Group therapy is basically a community of people having gathered together because some person with a medical/psychological degree realised - we all now severely need an excuse to gather and meet and have a reason to talk about ourselves.

So, let us gather and talk because we're the only beings with emotional intelligence.

Our brains can do wonders if we allow it. Anxiety and depression limits the potential of our brain narrowing our thoughts. We just need to give our brain a much needed break and be very kind with it. It's adapting and doing the best it can with what it has right now. (Image source: http://everybodyhasabrain.tumblr.com/)

Genuinely,
Rachel W.

P.S. I'd love to hear if anyone reading this has felt the same way or feel they can relate to what I talk about. Just leave me a comment if you'd like to just say hi or add to the discussion. Let's keep this going!

Today, has been my first day officially back at work. To be honest, Monday should have been my first day but I had a fever (probably self-induced).

I was nervous. Nervous! I was so terrified of stepping back into my workplace simply because that was where I was before I fell into a extended period of gloom and doom. Everything about the place had morphed into scary memories in my head - which weren't true, but I was afraid, and my body was doing all it could to keep me away from the place. So, it made sense for my body to react this way, except it doesn't make sense either, when you really think about it!

Your brain controls your whole body. A lot more than you and I are aware. When we panic, our brain sends signals to all parts of our body telling us to run or fight.

Some of us, are special. When experiencing a momentous (scale dependent on tolerance of each individual) amount of stress, we don't run or fight. We curl up in a ball and play dead. We are unable to move, some even have cold sweats and difficulty breathing. Believe it or not, playing dead is also a form of natural body defence as useless as one might feel during a panic attack, it's okay - You're perfectly human. Tried & tested.

Thankfully, (after stocking my backpack full of xanax) I went into work and it was wonderful. When I met my supervisor, we hugged. And let me tell you how lovely it is to be hugged! Especially so, when I just spent the entire journey on the way to work anxiously trying to think if I should greet my supervisor with a handshake or a hug.

Oh, but when someone hugs you, you feel like,
"It's okay. You're in safe hands now. I understand. We'll work things through."
That was great! And then I continued meeting several people whom I knew (before I called it quits a year ago) and gave them great big hugs too and it was wonderful. It made me feel so welcomed and it was so nice to be back.

Now, I can look at my nerves and laugh for ever being so afraid of these friendly people. Silly nerves!
Though, who are we kidding? My nerves are up and revving away for day 2 tomorrow!

Sometimes, when we spend too much time away from the thing that we were, once upon slightly nervous about, this thought can be reinforced again and again until it grows into a huge irrational fear. The only way to eliminate such a fear is to face it. Flat out. No safety gear, just head on. The more frequently you face it, the stronger you get. It does not necessarily get easier, but it feels less difficult because you're stronger. You get better at dealing with your nerves, you get better at calming yourself.

We forget that these are skills we've learnt when we were kids. Whenever we felt unsure, we were encouraged by our parents or given a form of incentive to proceed. This was how we were thought to make rational and right decisions. Now, we need to re-explore this part of our brain which has an overactive fear and re-learn the skills required to differentiate between rational and irrational fears.

We can do this. Slow and steady wins the race!

By your side,
Rachel W.

Decisions, decisions. (In case you were wondering, I chose blue.)

This week marks the last week away from my office desk. Next week, I am back to work after a long gap year. I am glad to say I took a break because the past year has been crucial in finding myself and allowing love.

When I first started my break, I felt so lost without any aim and purpose in life. My work and studies had consumed me. My pie chart of life consisted of 99% work. Recreation? That word hadn't exist in my vocabulary for as long as I can remember.

It's weird that it used to be so easy to just pick up something that I liked to do. Hobbies like writing, colouring, reading, drawing, painting, knitting, you get it.

Back in February of 2016, I was given the option to have a break from work. All I could worry about while on break was work. It's sad because whenever I had time off work I felt I should probably use the time to prepare me for future work. In other words, if I didn't use my time productively, I would worry about being lazy.

The truth is, I've forgotten what it was like to take a break. This might sound bizarre but it made me wonder what exactly is the difference between being lazy and resting.

I didn't have to use every waking our reading on work material, but I felt that I've come all this way to get this scholarship, and I've sacrificed time with my family to be here, that the only option I had was to ensure every second was maximised.

I met someone who had the exact same perspective on work while I was in the hospital. He is 30 years older than I am, and he had spent so much time focused on his career that he neglected his family and more importantly, himself. He was exhausted and felt that he had given everything to be able to support his family financially, that he couldn't give anything else more.

What about LOVE? What about TIME?

When we keep telling ourselves that we need to stretch our limits in order to satisfy people, this is where we've broken the system.

In order to care for others, one must care for themselves first. The best analogy for this is oxygen. Just like when the oxygen mask falls when the pressure drops in a plane. One must attend to themselves first before attending to others. Remember, OXYGEN.

The more you stretch yourself, the more you're suffocating. The people around you will be affected and you will further isolate yourself for afraid of being a burden to others.

Please, take care of yourself first. Your life depends on it.

This photo was taken by the Regent's Canal. I thought this piece to be unique as it seems as though life is coming up from the growing plant.

I am here genuinely,
Rachel W.

It is important to write down what you've spoken about in therapy because you want to be able to reflect on the reactions you've given, the events that trigger, and the preventive measures.

He told me to write a blog.
I gave my "now-considerably-usual-reply-to-everything", "I can't".
"Why not?"
"I just can't."
"But you write well."
"No, I don't! It'll be too much effort... I can't... I won't be able to keep it up... and i'll just end up disappointing people."

I have been living with a mind that has been telling me I'm never good enough for as long as I can remember. I've not taken much risk at all - avoiding all unnecessary risks rather than finding out if I could ever succeed in anything beyond my comfort zone.

At the age of 23, I thought that I had everything under control. My life was blossoming, in full force, I am at the ripe age of adulthood, I am incredibly energised and productive and I am going to change the world. My life is Grade A+. I am Miss Fantastic.

I worked long hours, believing that I was dedicating my life to research and for the greater good. I lived like a robot, hugely convinced that all I needed was my passion, food, water and sleep to be the happiest person in the universe.

I was clockwork - up at 7 in the morning, back from work at 8 in the evening, dinner and bed by 10 in the night. I loved what I did with a burning passion. I would spend all my time reading on my research topic. I worked and worked all day everyday. I talked about my subject with fire dancing in my eyes. Oh yes, my life has purpose! What greater pleasure in life is there than having your work and passion combined? There is nothing else I need!

Or so I thought, until one day I just stopped functioning.

There was no forewarning, no pit stops, no light at the end of the tunnel. It became completely pitch black too quickly. I was so scared as my mind spiralled out of control so violently, that I started to lose my memory. The fears and anxiety was so loud, it drained my confidence till I became unable to speak, a recluse, and finally hospitalised.

Looking back, I never paid any attention to the signs. The black dog showed up here and there throughout my childhood - each time I had a momentary flicker through the corner of my eye, it was there. Not being aware of the gloom hanging in the background, I was careless. I was credulous with my overachiever/perfectionist lifestyle - always occupied with learning something new, almost always being productive with my time, and whatever I did had to be worth it.

Whenever I felt unsatisfied with anything, the black dog accompanied me and it lingered long enough to make me feel a sense of dread and regret. During those times I felt so sorry for myself. As though I had just did something so bad that it would take a lifetime to forgive. It made me swear never to do anything like that again so that my time would always be fulfilling and productive. I didn't give myself much opportunities to explore and enjoy the things I could have loved because... I was convinced that I didn't have the time for it. As a young kid, I was incredibly hard on myself.

Stop to smell the roses, I never did. I thought if I gave enough water to allow it to grow into a large rose bush, I could probably then smell them everywhere. This rose bush is rather (cornily) equivalent to my achievements. I did not celebrate them, instead turning them as essentials to live by. If I did not achieve it, my life was over.

So, instead of motivating the reward system of my brain, I have been living off my threat system for a ludicrous amount of time. My crash was only a matter of time. The clock never stopped ticking, and the black dog appeared more and more frequently till I can no longer disregard it. It now follows me everywhere.

This photo was taken at the Columbia Road Flower Market in London. Spending time in nature and buying flowers to brighten up my room helped my recovery.

P.S. This post was originally written in May 2016 when I was still heavily struggling to understand my depression and accepting that I was actually sick. I was first hospitalised in Feb 2016.

Genuinely,
Rachel W.

I'm writing this post as an 'everyday' category because this is what I go through on a daily basis.

Celebrated my 25th birthday with my family and my favourite cupcakes from +Wondermilk :) I've made it this far because of the huge support and love from my family.

Let the festivities begin!

Today's the day I officially turn 25. I always thought of it to be strange that when the new year comes around, it literally means I get an entire year older. Also, having a birthday during this time of the year isn't so fun because the best parties are all in December when everyone's just so ready to be done with the year.

December is the best time to go all out! All the savings you've collected over the year, means you can now do a little extra spending. It's the time of the year when you show that you're successful and independent by rewarding your friends and family with Christmas gifts.

January is the best time of the year to start saving and to start being a little more sober and serious. It's the 'Monday' of the months. The weekend is over - it's back to work and back to school.

Restarting my PhD is daunting especially since I've started a side craft business while I was on break. I started my business with the idea that it would hopefully motivated me to maintain a creative side. With this etsy shop, I have every reason to work on creating beautiful hair pieces and actually have physical finished products - which I must say is very fulfilling!

Since I starting learning about stem cells during my undergraduate study, I had become rather obsessed to the point where I (sadly) felt I didn't need any social activities including proper sleep and recreation. I really loved what I was doing and the more time I spent on learning about stem cells, the more I felt committed to it as I've already spent all this time working on it. It was as though everything I've worked for in my life rested upon this career path.

Which honestly is an emotional trap. It isn't true that having a social life will kill my career, nor getting the rest I need to be able to work properly. I was a machine and I admired that aspect of myself. Until I burnt out, left exhausted physically and mentally. Forced to give in, that I realised I was being foolish.

I do hope though I would continue to have this burning passion to improve lives through stem cell research but this time with more focus on myself and my needs. I mean, wouldn't it be a waste of my knowledge if I didn't take care of myself? Would be a loss to the world. ;)

Not overrated,
Rachel W.

Today I'll be having a proper birthday dinner with my family. Not entirely sure how I feel about it all - slightly nervous perhaps, which I find to be an unusual reaction. Though maybe not since I have gained quite a bit of weight and it has made me feel really conscious about my body.

I've not had a family birthday celebration since I left for the United Kingdom in 2011. It has been five years, and I've always just settled for a simple normal day with some cake if I'm lucky.

Preparing for this dinner - deciding where to eat, who to invite, what to do, what cake to get - is actually quite a chore. Initially I had planned to invite a couple of friends round to the house and have a small get together with takeaway food. Turns out, my mum is not entirely keen on a home idea and finds it much easier to just have a meal out. *inserts appropriately timed panic attack here*

From that point on, I just felt this was way too much planning. I'd rather just have a simple dinner and call it a day. We can eat anywhere, and I'm not fussy. Please don't let this event make it to my list of "good places to have a meltdown".

It has been decided that we would go for a Japanese meal because one can never go wrong with unagi. If there is just one thing I'm allowed to eat for the rest of my life, unagi would be it. No doubts, no questions. In fact, I volunteer!

I'm back in Malaysia at the moment sorting out immigration stuff, and I really miss my crafts. Paper crafts, wool crafts, jewellery making, basically anything. Pinterest has been an amazing source of tutorials and ideas for home made crafts, and spending year 2016 away from work just to do recreational things has been honest-to-god therapeutic. All my tools and supplies are back in London though, so I can't quite wait to go back to it soon. Hopefully then I can start posting photos of my small etsy business and handmade crafts.

For now, I'll leave you with a photo of one of my finest handmade pieces.


Genuinely and lovingly,
Rachel W.

The Lunar New Year is just round the corner and I think it's rather funny that everywhere we've been is entirely filled with chickens. Even to the very last detail of a uniquely-Malaysian special "Rooster" Krispy Kreme. They say if you can't beat them, join them.

One of the things I wanted to talk about today is allowing myself to truly be who I'm supposed to be. This includes letting things unfold as well as taking steps to assert myself.

Recently, I've been feeling unsure about where I stand in regards to my career, my relationships and my role as a human being. I feel inadequate, which is not a feeling that I'm familiar with for the past 23 years. I have always been someone with a strong sense of purpose but as I get closer to my career aspirations, the steps seem to get wobblier and this worries me.

It has made me doubt all the choices I've made in the past, including those contributing to my success today. I feel fickle and unprepared. Every physical step closer is an emotional step backwards from my destination. This has been a confusing period. I guess this is what "quarter life crisis" feels like. Who am I, and what have I achieved thus far?

The pressures of having at least 10 years of work experiences when you're only 9 years old is real. I'm 25 and I'm wondering how I've done anything to make an impact on this 7 billion-person-planet. There ought to be an age restriction when you're allowed to start worrying about self-significance. 50 years old sounds reasonable. Mid life crisis, eh?

Disclaimer: the following hypothesis is justified by my scientific mindset that has been raised through many years of biological science trainings. I think that the term "quarter life crisis" only came about because people have started living longer lives (up to a 100 years old). Bingo! Centuries ago, people lived to a ripe age of 50, and 25 was still (and always have been) the crisis point but was then known as "mid-life" crises (because what the hell was "quarter" life as that would make you 15, whut.)

I love it when I have sudden epiphanies like that. It's like a stroke of genius, without the genius. Yeah, just a stroke basically.

Genuinely and unfiltered,
Rachel W.

I'm sprawled out on my bed on the first week of 2017 (this was not what I had in mind, I definitely imagined a desk involved) attempting to restart my blogging engine for the nth time of my 25 years on this planet. Consistency has made it to the top of my list! ...alongside 99 problems cleverly hidden behind the name of 'anxiety'.

I've always had a knack for writing! Though I'd be lying if I denied having a knack for anything new, really. And being good at everything is a bit of an overkill. I'll aim for something a little more reasonable. *shyly nibbles humble pie*

So, it all begin somewhere! Just like everything! Was it the egg or the chicken who came first? No one knows, but everything is made of atoms! That's what we know for sure (or at least what I was made to believe throughout my scientific education).

Hello, I am a full time PhD student trudging my way through ridiculous tuition fees, and the equally ridiculous cost of living in London. As long as I lumber one heavy foot in front of the other, no amount of pressure will knock me over! "Huzzah! My body is as still as a mountain." Nama-stayyyyy-in-place-cause-yo-mama-brought-you-to-this-beautiful-earth.

I wish I could tell a story of how everything went according to plan, but no great person or exciting story ever came from perfect scenarios. As I quote Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all".

*mic drop*

Genuinely,
Rachel W.